Struggling with the motivation to visit my father in prison I wonder why I no longer care.

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It’s been around 7 months since I learned that my father was being housed at the correctional facility on the Big Island. At first I was gun ho about seeing him and making sure he met his granddaughters but along the way I haven’t been able to do so. At first I blamed it on not having enough time, which is an excuse that doesn’t really hold up. Yes, there were weekends that I didn’t have time to visit him but if I was committed to seeing him I could have already. Blaming time is just a cover for a deeper issue that I can’t seem to shake.

I don’t care about him. Now that sounds cold coming from someone who played a part in bringing you into this world but that’s the truth. I don’t care to give my time to a man that has hurt my mother, siblings and I in so many ways. I don’t want anything bad to happen to him. That would mean that I cared. I just feel indifferent. I’ve lived the majority of my life physically disconnected from him. I don’t know him and he really doesn’t know me. I’ve corresponded with him a few times but I stopped because of all the preaching he would send my way. It’s really hard to listen to a man preach when he hasn’t shown any sign of contrition for the past.

I mean when he first went to prison I bought into all the God talk and how he had been saved. I was just a kid back then and when he did come back out, he forgot God pretty quick and went straight back to drugs. So like many people who have family members with drug problems it’s hard not to lose hope and at some point stop caring because you know that unless your loved one wants to change they won’t. No matter how much you beg and plead change doesn’t happen without the addict being on board. And even then it’s tough. Even then the road to recovery is up and down.

So here I am. Don’t care about my birth father. I’ve lived without him for so long I don’t see why I need him. Does that make me a bad person? Well I could just go to make sure he sees his grandchildren but should I? I mean I can’t help but feel protective of my children. Now I know he won’t hurt them physically but what if they start caring for him and he ends up letting them down. There is more then one way to get hurt and sometimes that pain is a lot worse. The pain of caring for someone who keeps letting you down can be unbearable and in my case it has rendered my heart into stone with him.

I really do hope he has and will keep improving but until then I want to keep my distance. I want to make sure he has really changed not by word but by actions. If he has maybe, maybe we can rebuild our relationship but until then I don’t care. I care for my children. I care for my wife and that is the only thing I should focus on.

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Pic Credit: Flickr/powelli