Independence: freedom from the control, influence, support, aid, from others

With my bags all packed I wait in the parlor with my grandparents.  I can’t believe I’m moving out again after such a whirlwind of a year.  I had just returned from my mission just a few months ago because of my battle with depression.  My return was met with confusion, sadness and anger.  Many close relationships were severed because of the mistakes I made.  However, there were also many other relationships that were solidified.  I had just been accepted into BYU-Hawaii and without much thought I eagerly prepared for my future on the island of Oahu.  I didn’t have many family or friends on that island and the ones that were there lived a considerable distance away for an island.  Even though there were questions, doubt and concern surrounding my departure, I believed in my heart that I was destined to be there.  Much of the negative voices inside and outside my head were drowned by the over powering feeling of peace.

The sound of a horn echoes through the house as I rush for my bags.  The announcement of my ride brings with it a rush of adrenaline as I anticipate the bright future that lay ahead.  I give my grandparents a big hug and promise to call as I roll out the door.  My friend and mentor in the church greets me with a smile as I throw my bags into the back seat.  After some small talk we are off to the airport but before I know it I realize we are heading in the wrong direction.

Curious I ask, “Where are we going?”

“You’re not going to BYU-Hawaii.  You’re going to stay with me and my family.  I’m going to teach you computer programing and you’re going to work in that field.”

My heart sinks as I wonder why but with determination I announce, “I’m not doing that.  I want to go to school in Laie.”

A smile stretches on his face as he says, “That’s what I wanted to hear.”

I must have look confused because he clarified.

“I wanted to make sure you were doing this (college) because you want it.  If this is coming from you then you’ll be okay.”

I sigh as I realize he was just testing me.  “Can we go now?  I’m going to be late.”

In reflection I now understand why he ran this test on me. He wanted to be sure I wasn’t being pushed in this direction by someone else, which at that time wasn’t a far fetched idea. I’m a people pleasing person by nature and the effect of that is an in-congruence or a disconnect between what I want and what I’m doing. The further away I am from my true desires the deeper I fall into a depressive state.  So my decision to attend BYU-H was one of the first choices I made that I only considered myself.  This was also a hard choice for me because of the obstacles that stood in the way.  Barriers that could have driven me into despair if I didn’t have a strong conviction and belief that the pain was worth it.  BYU-H was something I needed and the choice I made that day would be one of many turning points that would strengthen my independence.

We are truly blessed to live in a country where we are free to control our own destiny.  Now I’m not saying our country is perfect. I’m Hawaiian and I know this country has made mistakes and have taken away the rights of others at different periods of its history. Fight for freedom is still being fought in this day. In the courts, on the battlefield and within ourselves.  No matter how much freedom we have it doesn’t matter if we aren’t independent within ourselves. If we act courageously and do things that come from the heart we’ll be able to live a life where our decisions really reflect the person we are and aspire to be. When we don’t you may end up feeling angry, depressed and anxious.  These feelings stem from our dishonesty within ourselves.  Not living to our full potential.  Not as others see us but as we see ourselves. Living as our true selves isn’t easy but I can promise you that it’s worth it. If you do you’ll find a deeper reservoir of strength that you were never aware you had.

So during this time of celebration I would ask that all of us take time to assess our current state.  Ask these questions and see if you are truly independent:

1. Why are you doing the things that you do? Is it for others or yourself?

2. How do you feel about the person you are today? Is it who you want to be?

3. If you could change anything about yourself what would it be? Why?

I hope these questions help you figure out if you are on your path or one that has been predetermined for you.  If you are on your path.  Great!  If not, I hope you try and act on some of the things that you hope and wish you could do. Start with small baby steps. No matter how miniscule it may seem. Small successes will lead to bigger gains and you’ll find the motivation to keep acting on the things that matter to you.