Only when we are silent can we begin to hear the voice that is truly our own – what the Quakers call “the still small voice within.” …all of us hear the whisperings of this voice every single day of our lives, but many ignore it.   -Rick Fields et al., Chop Wood, Carry Water

During a conference in Cal Berkeley I found an enjoyable workshop titled, “Writing as a Spiritual Practice”. Our instructor started us off with a writing assignment that called for a five minute brain dump. After taking several deep and cleansing breaths we tried to write whatever came to our mind. She encouraged us to shut off the noise in our head and not edit but to allow the small voice within us to speak unfiltered. That was easier said then done. I struggled to think of anything to right about and once I put pen to paper I couldn’t help but self edit. I scratched out words and whole sentences until I was stuck in writers quick sand. The more I thought about writing the less I could scribble. I couldn’t write because the voices in my head were too loud. The loudest of them were the critical ones, “That word doesn’t belong there”, “You sound so stupid”, “Everyone is going to laugh at your work”. I took another deep breath and reminded myself that I wasn’t being graded. This simple reminder seemed to work as the voices ceased and I was able to write for the remainder of the time. My hand moved quickly as I found myself expressing thoughts and feelings I rarely talk about to anyone even things I never knew existed. Shortly after the time was up we reflected on the process and the work we produced. If taken as a whole piece the work I produced was disorganized and grammar errors filled the page. But within the context of the assignment everything I wrote was fantastic because it was real. It was my unedited voice. One that I keep silent far too often. In honor of that activity and my desire to hear connect with my small voice I will write a monthly post of my unfiltered thoughts. I’ll take just five minutes to write whatever comes to my mind. Without any edits I’ll post my work. So don’t expect a well written and cohesive piece. It will be raw and real. I encourage you to do the same if you feel inclined to do so.

– 5 minutes –

The day of the month is July. Baby hasn’t come yet. Still waiting with anxiety and wondering how my life is going to change with 3 kids. I sweat at tthe thought. Why do my fingers want to hit the delete button. I wnat to edit but i can’t. I hate seeing my words looking bad. I remember what if felt like to sound stupid and be teased because i stuttered a little when stressed. I did alot of things when stressed. I bit my nails. Pulled out my eyelashes. Even hedbutted a metal pole when I was in 5th grade. My friends actually thought I might kill myself on that day. Why dod I beat myself up so much? My writing is a reflection of my thoughts. Which are rarely heard and seen. I wish I could speak freely but the fear and my desire to make others happy stop me from being honest. I want to be nice likea good japanese boy. But honesty could mean losing friends and making other poeole uncomfortable. My wrist is hurting. I need to see a docotr or else it might end up geting worse. I can’t let it stop me from writing. Why do I doubt myself? If I can be like Kamu who has extremem belief in himself. I could do more. Be more. Instead I doubt and drive myself insane because of it. I need to pat myself on teh back and get up on the horse. Don’t accept what I am today and look forward to changing into someone better. My wrist really do ache. I need to rest my wrist. I wish I could be more like

– Reflection –

The beginning of my writing I am venting and expressing my fears. My wife is about to give birth at anytime and with this child we are moving from 2 to 3 kids. I’m excited but I’m also nervous. Having more kids means having to spread myself around. How do I give myself to everyone without leaving less for someone else? When I feel this anxious I usually start thinking about my frailty as a person and at this specific time as a writer. I am truly anxious about sounding stupid and even more so mean. I hate hurting peoples feelings. I was raised to be polite and kind. To say sorry even when it’s not your fault. I’ve magnified being kind to mean that I should allow people to walk all over me. It means I don’t speak up when I feel like something is wrong. I only show myself to a few people. Like my wife and children. They see all the sides of me. The good, goofy and scary. I often worry about showing my true side because I don’t think people will like it. But surprisingly that has rarely been the case. I guess it’s that deep seeded narrative I’ve grown up with that has yet been edited to reflect the true reality of my life. If I am able to do this I’ll realize that I am more powerful and capable then I realize. When this narrative becomes my reality then the walls I’ve built we no longer be impassable. At the end of my writing my wrist is really hurting and I really do need to see a doctor about it.

Here are my thoughts and I hope if you feel like letting off steam or getting in touch with your inner voice I recommend that you do this exercise. You may find out a few things about yourself that may help to enlighten and push you forward in your life.