Life Would Be Worse For My Family

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This will sound morbid but I often joke around with my wife about how good life would probably be if I died. She could move on to a hunkier and more accomplished man. My kids would be better off because they’ll have a father who can provide for them financially. They could go on more trips and maybe in visit Disneyland.

Even though these words are usually said in jest they do pop into my mind when depression has sunk its teeth in me. My thoughts automatically go to how much better life would be for my family if I wasn’t around. I know this is hogwash because when it comes to my family, I’m needed.

When I take a step back I realize that even though my wife could do better my death would make her life a lot worse. Besides the fact that she’d be emotionally drained from my loss she’d have to raise three kids on her own. She’d be faced with explaining to them why I took my life, which would be a painful task. She would have to carry the load both financially and parentally. She’d be overwhelmed by this task initially and even though she’d eventually figure it out by that time it would have taken a heavy toll on her.

My kids would grow up wondering if they had anything to do with my death. My oldest daughter would definitely take it hard and that could affect her negatively long term. These experiences could result in her own battle with similar demons I face today.

Basically my family would not be better without me instead they’d be a lot worse.