Once a month I try to connect with my hidden thoughts and feelings by writing for 5 minutes and then reflecting on my unedited writing. The post may be filled with misspellings and grammatical errors but it will contain my true voice. If you would like to know why I’m doing this activity you can click on the link below to read my first unedited post.
– 5 minutes
My body burns as I sit infront of the fan. I fill the itching starting to grow as I think about the words that i need to write. My daughter is sleeping in her little crib next to me. The world is her oyster as she has some much promise and future. I wonder how my friends are doing. The ones who have loss children. I cna’t imagine what it would feel ike to lose my daughter. I’d be broken and probably be lost for some period of time. I’m lucky to have been blessed with healthy children. I wish. I hope that I can be the type of dad they need. Wonder if I will be loved or hated by them. Will I be the dad they can talk to about anything or the one they hide from. Liek how I hid from my grandfather. I think I’ll be okay. I just need to be myself. Be the type of person that I’ve always been. Dont’ take out my stress out on my kids. Let it out on the paper. Let it out on the pavement. Let it out on my body. Don’t burden them with your pain. Use that pain to elevate yourself to be the kind of person you wish you father was. By doing that your kids will be okay. They will have the best chance at success. They will remember the lessons and not the punishments. I am grateful to be a father. I’m thankful to have the time I almost forfeited when I tried to end my life. Use words to let the pain out. Don’t use others. Don’t blame others. Find the light through dooing the little things that you know can keep your strong. What m;akes you happy? Movies, sports and family. Not in that order of course. But those things help me cope. Those things give me meaning. Or help me to process my issues. Need to make a list of what makes me happy. Control
– Reflection
A few weeks after having a child I usually go through this honey moon phase. I look at my child lovingly and can only see the good in them. Sadly that ends after the first year. Hopefully not this time. I really want to focus on treating my children through a positive lens. I want to see them as I do now. The interesting thing about this stream of consciousness is that I know the answer to my question. I understand what is bothering me and how to get out of it. I think a lot of us know the answers to our problems but are unable to accept or are unable to figure out a way to implement the change. We may have become accustomed to our current state and no matter how bad we don’t want to let go of what is predictable. The unknown can be scary even though the outcome could be better. In conclusion, I need to create a list of things that make me happy and figure out how to do them. I think I’ll start posting about that. What makes me happy?
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